LIGHTEN THE RELATIONSHIP LOAD
Play to your strengths. Do what you do well more often. Be the best version of yourself.
If any of these goals resonate with you, take a moment to consider what it would feel like if you were to able to apply these goals to your relationship. You and your partner would be in a place to acknowledge what you each do well. You could then “divide and conquer” the responsibilities life throws your way based on what you each do best.
It is possible that you have gotten stuck in the old compromise rut, where you have been accustomed to figuring out who does what by dividing everything equally 50-50. On the surface, it may look like this division of labor is fair. Unfortunately, it does not take in to account that you may not be equally efficient and effective at all of the same things.
In couples therapy, partners can find themselves sharing the wish that their partner would just “pull their weight.” This complaint can apply to not doing enough with household chores, parenting responsibilities, helping care of aging parents, or being supportive or loving enough. Resentment can build quickly, especially when each spouse feels like he or she has been working overtime to keep everything afloat. There is a risk of feeling like you are not seen and cared for in the way that you deserve, while simultaneously feeling like you are giving someone else the treatment you are asking to receive.
The challenge on the table is to take a pause and reflect. Think about what you each enjoy doing. Consider what you are either currently doing really well or would like to learn how to do. For example, maybe you’re taking turns grocery shopping and cooking, causing each person to do each task around half of the time. Perhaps though, one partner really loves cooking and dislikes shopping. If you’re truly fortunate, perhaps the other partner just happens to love shopping and dislike cooking and then you know that leaning in to what you each enjoy would be a win-win. While you may not be quite that lucky, this is still a good opportunity to stop and consider if there is a more effective division of labor to try out. Just because something was done in the past does not mean you have to keep doing it. Consider shaking up who does what. Look for feedback on how the changes make you both feel. Keep up the trial and error approach as you practice being flexible with yourselves, each other, and the routine of keeping all of the balls juggling.
You may have found yourself in the habit of taking turns being happy. While it may not be the case that you and your partner fully conform to the adage “opposites attract” and may find many of the same responsibilities to be a pain, you may learn something new about your partner if you take some time to talk together about how all that you share is currently managed. Couples counseling can be an opportunities to explore your strengths and co-construct goals you would like to embark on individually or relationally. Take some time out to consider if responsibilities can be more equitably (as opposed to equally) divided. You may find that that you figure out a way for you both to feel that a weight has been lifted.